"Come in out of the darkness"

Grace after Chaos

Grace after Chaos

I like to have a mix of both personal posts and lighthearted, fun posts. My love for vintage fashion and decor comes from the nostalgia, the sentiment it stirs in me and all the untold stories that a ‘30s canary yellow dress or that ‘60s gold bar cart holds. Its the stories, the romance, the mysteries that each piece holds.

Chaos isn’t for you is part cursive love letter to summer and adventure and passion, and other part cautionary tale about your head and heart written in bold. After the chaos all fades, like the last glitter from a New Year’s Eve disco ball falls to hard wood floors or dancing heads - you are left alone with a heavy heart and a whole lot to sweep up.

I had a lot of anger - more than I expected. I’d wake up feeling angry, angry at how it all went down and the cards I was dealt with. But these were my cards and my cards only and I could work with the very little I had and start from there. Starting anew on so many levels was daunting and caused a lot of anxiety. I felt uncomfortable and my confidence wavered. I often lied in bed in the stretchy moments of morning panicking about my future. Who would be there for me? How would I navigate this life of mine when it was so clouded with sadness and resentment? I thought of every. little. detail. Every painstakingly little detail to the point where I felt my heart race. How would I move? Would I be successful? Would I ever find love?

This the part I always hate reading the “but all I did was keep going”. But it’s true. It was the only thing I could do, it was either cry and give up completely or keep going, keep trying at this life, to make it better and more fulfilling. There were times my anxiety paralyzed my body and mind. Too often. It happened in the morning, at work, after work, before bed. It consumed me. It was much bigger than one person too - it had nothing to do with anyone, this was me - my life, my anxiety. I was dealing with myself, raw. My anxiety was nonstop. There were times when I’d beg any of my friends during this time to help me, I’d beg them to make my anxiety stop, I’d say I just wanted to be normal. I didn’t want the panic attacks. I wanted to take the direction in my life and flourish and bloom. I wanted to show that I could to anyone who doubted me, mainly myself. It became a time of self-reflection and growth and doubt. I still have it but I kept at it, I kept chipping away. There were days that all I did was hold on for dear life and I made it through. There were days I made great strides, and other days I took hard tumbles.

Honestly without my friends, my network of people, I don’t know what I would’ve done. Whether it was a helping hand putting up my wreath, or a text message to walk in faith and light, or listening to me cry while I was having a panic attack and letting me know this too shall pass. I want to thank all those people who helped me get through a time of constant anxiety: where working a new job, trying to move and adjusting my medication lower made life at times a struggle. I see the light now and the sparkle of the holidays coming and I feel ready, I feel renewed, I feel lighter. It’s all about how you deal with the chaos your dealt: and the more Grace, the more Patience you have, the easier your days become.

Anxiety is a lonely kind of hell but through this process I’ve learned a lot of different ways of coping. I wanted to share with you my favorites.

1) Find 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. Helps reprogram your mind and calm you down

2) Bike ride. Something that gets your heart rate up while having to focus at DOING something, not worrying about something. Horseback riding also, but that may be less accessible

3) Eradicate your variables. Take out the things in your life that stress you. It can be as simple as grabbing a trash bag and cleaning your closet with things you don’t need. Simplify your life less stress

What are the best ways you calm yourself?

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