Chaos isn't for you
My favorite part of the year - the sweet part that’s in between a blossoming Spring and the dizzy sun soaked glitter of a new summer - gripped me with its warm winds and promise. I remember in great detail like I’m sitting by a typewriter in the 1920’s about to spill my whole heart about jazz and war and love. I remember it clearly. The job I had since November always felt foreign to me. I was used to being in a smaller office where we were all close in age and shared our life experiences, we called each other family. That smoothness was gone, and this new office I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells. Right around that time of spring and summer though, I started to really like it. I was moving on my own and things just felt better in my life, things were falling in place. That’s a great feeling - when things just feel good in your life.
I started writing this about 2 weeks ago and this was going to be a story about love and the heartbreak of losing it. As the days went by, I realized there was a bigger story full of smaller details. There was a more important story to tell.
Falling in love is fun especially when it’s fast and passionate, when it’s all summer and adventure and swimming in random beaches, kisses between drinks, when you feel like Bonnie and Clyde. I was so caught up in the adventure, the fun, those endless summer nights full of laughter and drinks and your heart feeling a love so pure. It was dizzying - like watching a painted carousel go ‘round and ‘round in the sweltering heat. Your vision becomes hazy from the pounding sun - blotches of color and sparkle. It was dizzying and right when I realized how far it went I was woken up from a dream that was half all the electric thrill of a Gatsby party and half “where everything falls apart” scene of any Scorsese film. Love is a beautiful, enchanting, pure thing but I realized we were surrounded by chaos. I was living with all the broken shells of chaos. And I was okay with it. But when things ended and I saw what I was left with - loneliness in an apartment I had barely furnished yet, I realized how quick all that passion and glitz and adventure can go especially when you know it’s going to detonate at any second. You know you’re running out of time but you both are just saying “Fuck it”.
It’s so easy to get lost in the heartbreak, but really it opened my eyes to where I was and where I wanted to go. I felt so lonely and anxious in the days, weeks and months after he left. I clung to his words of “wait for me”, I’d pace around, listen to music, work out - anything I could to create stability and my own life while I waited and clung on to a season that was over. That uplifting, new feeling I had before it all started was destroyed and now replaced with dread of living alone, there, that apartment on the second floor overlooking a quiet courtyard and some cars. That stress started to manifest into other aspects of my life. Driving became a nightmare, my hands would become clammy and I felt like I was going to pass out. Starting a new job, I tried to absorb everything but my pounding heart and that lightheaded feeling kept interrupting me. I kept smiling, nodding. I was so grateful for a new career opportunity, I still am.
It brought me from a dark, anxious place and reminded me of the light, the light inside and the light I want to continue to go toward. Then I kept at it: I kept working out, listening to music, working on my blog and going to events and delving into healthier things. Was a love so passionate and fun but so fleeting worth all this stress, worth me hanging around for a phone call or email, waiting, waiting, waiting? Was it all worth my mental health? In the end, love should nourish you. My soul and heart were not nourished, they were drained. I put myself in this situation and I continued to stay and be strung along. I knew what was going on but I kept going with it, because it brought back the glimmer of those summer nights where I felt so loved and happy. I was breaking my own heart.
I wanted and still want a love that builds me and the other person up, a love that is passionate but also feels like home, a love we both can trust and at night sleep well. A love that is fun but also patient. Life isn’t always a party, there’s some hard, depressing shit that happens. I want someone I can do shots with on New Year’s Eve but also someone who I can curl up on the couch and watch tv with. I want to give a love that’s pure and honest. A love that doesn’t make you wait in the shadows. It was a fleeting summer love, a crazy adventure that ultimately destroyed much more for me than for him. Love might not be the right word, but it’s what I felt. I still have love for that person and wish nothing but the best for them as they navigate life. There’s no anger, no hurt anymore. I see it for what it ultimately ending up being. It was poetic at first but in the end left me waiting in the dark for far too long.
For me it was a lesson. A romance that leaves you in the wake of chaos and opens the door to anxiety and sadness, to leave you to pick up the disaster, the fall out, all of it - all by yourself - is telling. It told me I still need to work on myself. I need to love myself more. I need to be okay in my skin. I need to continue to work on my anxiety, every single day. I need structure - I need music, and exercise and writing and calm days and nights. I love a good adventure but I need a calmness, and it’s in me - but I’m working on keeping it there - always. It’s a lesson. It means those bad boys with sad eyes and all danger and fun aren’t going to bring you happiness. You got to bring the happiness from yourself, you got to buy the flowers and keep your heart light so you can attract light, so you can share your happiness, so you can grow a garden. You must listen when you have that feeling that something, someone isn’t for you. You must listen when your heart is pounding and hurt because of “love”. You have to realize you deserve all the magic and promise and books and flowers and tea and warm blankets and there may be broken parts of you but to chase after chaos only leads to more chaos.
Be light, even on days when the darkness is winning. Be light. And on days when all you did was hold yourself together - that’s okay- know that the light is winning. There are great, lovely things aligning for you and as you let the hurt, the chaos leave as gracefully as possible - you’ll start to see your path again, your heart, yourself. It’s not always pastel sunsets and cocktails and kisses all night. It’s not always summer. Take care of your heart and the ones you love like you’d want to be treated. Chaos isn’t for you. Be the love you want so badly.