The weather called for rain but my husband and I drove up to Northampton anyway. Day excursions, I've come to realize, are good for the soul. Sometimes I need clarity, sometimes I Need adventure or romance. Sometimes I want to get lost in the back roads of maybe Connecticut, maybe Massachusetts- who knows at this point? - and find an inviting antique shop with 1940's postcards and books about glamour and cinema. I want to find a coffee shop where they have delicious magic bars and latte art and free wifi. I want to find places and spaces that inspire and move me. That day I wanted to go and find answers that I was so desperately seeking.
My anxiety and torn heart were causing severe lack of sleep and constant, constant questioning of myself and every move I made. I was torn between staying in a toxic environment out of loyalty to a friend and also the convenience and ease of knowing that environment for so long or walking away and starting fresh. Writing it all down it seems simple what I should have done. Instead, I stayed loyal and ended up getting burned. The sadness and anger enveloped me for days, it still does. I was just about to start anew but I decided to stay only to be hurt.
I didn't know all this then, that early, rainy October day when I waltzed around Northampton hoping some time away would help put the puzzle pieces together. The little crowded bookstores, the boutiques with the vintage-inspired dresses or the shops with the kitsch-y cards didn't make me feel happy like they use to. The world through my eyes seemed subdued. Everything seemed grey. Anxiety is a lonely type of hell. It's hard to articulate the complicated layers of all your thoughts. The more you think, the more it becomes a tangled mess of riddled self doubt and aching terror.
I found a pretty store that sold gorgeous stones - the brightest Amethysts and gorgeous colorful Ambers decked the shelves along - with religious and spiritual figurines. The whole store had a welcoming, relaxing vibe. I came in for the physic tarot reading. One was for Freddie and I and then, needing more answers to my life, I ran through a sudden rainstorm to go back and sit in the cozy back corner and see my cards laid out. Everything that happened was told to me that day. A day after, I still decided to stay loyal to my friend and continue at a job I've known for what felt like forever.
Despite the inner conflict that was waging inside me for months, I said yes I'll continue on this rocky path even though something is telling me not to. I should've walked away, I should have listened to my aching heart and stressed out mind. It was so hard to find balance. I had the answers inside me all along but my anxiety lied to me. My anxiety kept me worried and doubting myself. My anxiety chipped away at my confidence and lead me to believe staying in a toxic environment would be beneficial to me in the long run.
This whole experience taught me I don't need day excursions to find answers. I don't need to run through rainstorms, desperate for someone I never met to give me a "yes" or "no" for a decision in my life. What has become of me, my confidence? I am now trying to heal. I'm hurt, lonely and scared. To help heal myself I've gone back to basics: working out, writing, trying to be as creative as possible. I want to maximize my time as much as possible with positive things.
I learned a lot about myself. My confidence is rocky at best. I stay in situations I'm unsure about for far too long. I let people dictate my life on what THEY think is the best way I should live it. I often feel I have no agency over my own life. I often feel lost, younger and more naive than I really am. I know all this and now it's time to remedy it. I don't have all the answers. I do have a laundry list of things I want and need to change about myself and life but sometimes I feel so emotionally depleted I wonder if I'll ever live a free, wild, beautiful life or will I always feel voiceless and scared?
This post isn't about having answers, because as you see I don't. I have journals and a pen and my heart beating. Maybe this is part of my journey that is suppose to be painful. Sometimes growth comes with pain and hurt and in the end you're not running through rainstorms to find answers, you're sitting inside sipping on coffee with a glorious magic bar in front of you with your confidence and faith showering all the sunshine on you.